Sometimes, when you're living an overweight life in a world where thin equals pretty, and pretty gets the girl, you start to fantasize about a future you; what you might look like, what you may be doing, who you might be with, and all the great things you can do as your future thin self.
I've recently been speaking my dietitian about this. There is a fantasy that comes with weight loss. An illusion that you will become 'x', or you will have 'z' if you lose weight. What this future self looks like is different for every person.
Mine looks like:
"Once I lose weight, I will fit into these clothes I keep in a bin at the back of my closet."
"Once I lose weight, my colleagues will respect me."
"Once I lose weight, I can work out."
"Once I lose weight, I won't have to worry about food so much."
"Once I lose weight, my anxiety will go away, and I can sleep at night."
"Once I lose weight, people will value me, respect me, and love me."
Sometimes I even imagine that if I could lose weight, that my personality will change. That I won't be so awkward, or socially uncomfortable.
If I'm being honest with myself, in the past when I have lost weight, nothing about me has fundamentally changed. I go through a cycle where I see some progress, I get excited, life happens, I lose motivation, and I backslide/fall off the wagon/give up. I wind up weighing more than I did to start with, and I hate myself. So much.
So, here we are. I want to say goodbye to the unattainable future self that I've been holding on to for as long as I've had body issues (12? 13? 14 years old?), mourn that loss, and start living my life with the present me. As my wife always says, "I've got one body, so I might as well love it." It's just you and me, body. Maybe if I give you a chance, I'll find that I do actually like you, and that you can like me, too.
Epic Quest: Live now, in the present.
Friday 30 November 2018
Wednesday 30 March 2016
"You Have Earned +1 Strength!"
I've been working on waking up 5 minutes earlier every morning to reach my goal of a 5:00 AM wake-up. I've been doing this for 3 days (started at 5:59 AM), and something I noticed is that when I set my mind to the task of 5 minutes, it's easier to get up even earlier. You sort of just say to yourself, "You know, it's only 9 more minutes, how much more sleep am I actually going to get in 9 minutes?" And then you get up. So each day I have woken up 7-10 minutes earlier than I had targeted. To keep the momentum going, I then tell myself, "Self, you woke up at 5:46, so tomorrow your task is to wake up at 5:41 AM." With the current track I'm on, it might even wind up being 5:30 AM! Overall, I'm ahead of schedule, and that makes me happy.
Waking up early has also led me to be more tired in the evenings. I usually have trouble sleeping as a result of a combination of two things, 1) I have a fear of someone breaking into the house/the door being left unlocked, or dying in a fire, and my father lives with us, and tends to come and go until about 11:00 PM (smoker), and 2) When I'm up due to anxiety, it can be really challenging to calm my mind enough to sleep. For just over 2 years now, I've been averaging 2-4 hours of sleep per night, and then grabbing 8-10 hours on weekends to catch up. However, that seems to be changing! Last night, we put on an episode of X-Files (I've loved this show since the early 90's, and it's one of those series that I enjoy re-watching), and before the episode was even over, my eyes were dropping, and I was falling asleep. I woke up to the wife turning the show off, and I asked, "Did the episode end?" She responded, "Yes, it did." I paused, then asked, "Did they get the bad guy, did they figure out what happened?" Her response, "Umm... no? I thought you were asleep. It's 'To Be Continued...' so we can see what happens tomorrow night." I promptly fell back asleep. I don't recall waking up at all during the night, and according to my Fitbit, I had a fabulous sleep!
Knowing that I'm already pretty drained by the time I get home, which I imagine is a result of my poor lifestyle prior to taking back the reins, factoring in the earlier wake-up, and I am beat! Last night I knew I had committed to yoga, but it was so challenging to get myself geared up to do it. I did it, but my heart wasn't in it, and I was cranky. I'm beginning to recognize what NF says, that motivation is finite, and I should choose wisely. Place less steps between myself and the things that will propel me forward, and more steps between myself and the things that derail me.
Knowing that the first thing I do every morning is pee and weigh myself, last night I put my tights, shirt, and sports bra on the bathroom counter (seeing the scale tends to make me want to move my butt, regardless of what it says), I placed my shoes in the kitchen where I turn on the coffee pot (it auto turns on at 6:00 AM, but I'm up earlier than that, and enjoy a good cup of coffee after my work out to ease into my morning routine) and fill up my water, and then head to the space I work out in. It worked seamlessly. I plan on doing it this evening, but adding a few things. I'm going to pre-fill my water and set the coffee pot to automatically start at 5:00 AM instead of 6:00 AM. Summer is here, and as it gets warmer, I would like to transition my body weight workouts to the backyard. Fresh air always wakes me up!
The strength workout that I've started doing is the NF Body Brigade Level 1. To further measure my progress, instead of doing x body squats, I'm going to see how many body squats I can do in a 30 second period, and so on. This will help me to measure how well I'm doing as the number I can do in a shorter period of time will improve. Once I've managed to hit my max with all the moves the 30 second window, then I'll know it's time to move onto Level 2. Our bodies are antifragile, and so we need to be creating chaos where we can :).
Lastly, the wife and I both agree that it would be best to disconnect our television service. We're going to have to pay out the contract term, but in the long run, it will be worth it. Besides, I didn't hesitate to drop that kind of money on tobacco, so why should it be a big deal to pay it out for bettering our bat cave? Besides, between Netflix, Shomi, and Crave, do I really need more television? Not really.
Overall, I feel great about this week. I still need to find a book to read on sales to up my game at work, and I commit to finding one tonight on Amazon. I'm rocking "Don't Break The Chain" for smoking, fitness goals, food logging, and waking up early. It really feeds into my need to see order and symmetry (OCD?) in objects. It feels almost as good as stacking things! Don't ask...
Remember, #nerdlove is the best love, and happy nerding!
P.S. I see you looking, don't be afraid to comment! I love feedback!
Waking up early has also led me to be more tired in the evenings. I usually have trouble sleeping as a result of a combination of two things, 1) I have a fear of someone breaking into the house/the door being left unlocked, or dying in a fire, and my father lives with us, and tends to come and go until about 11:00 PM (smoker), and 2) When I'm up due to anxiety, it can be really challenging to calm my mind enough to sleep. For just over 2 years now, I've been averaging 2-4 hours of sleep per night, and then grabbing 8-10 hours on weekends to catch up. However, that seems to be changing! Last night, we put on an episode of X-Files (I've loved this show since the early 90's, and it's one of those series that I enjoy re-watching), and before the episode was even over, my eyes were dropping, and I was falling asleep. I woke up to the wife turning the show off, and I asked, "Did the episode end?" She responded, "Yes, it did." I paused, then asked, "Did they get the bad guy, did they figure out what happened?" Her response, "Umm... no? I thought you were asleep. It's 'To Be Continued...' so we can see what happens tomorrow night." I promptly fell back asleep. I don't recall waking up at all during the night, and according to my Fitbit, I had a fabulous sleep!
Knowing that I'm already pretty drained by the time I get home, which I imagine is a result of my poor lifestyle prior to taking back the reins, factoring in the earlier wake-up, and I am beat! Last night I knew I had committed to yoga, but it was so challenging to get myself geared up to do it. I did it, but my heart wasn't in it, and I was cranky. I'm beginning to recognize what NF says, that motivation is finite, and I should choose wisely. Place less steps between myself and the things that will propel me forward, and more steps between myself and the things that derail me.
Knowing that the first thing I do every morning is pee and weigh myself, last night I put my tights, shirt, and sports bra on the bathroom counter (seeing the scale tends to make me want to move my butt, regardless of what it says), I placed my shoes in the kitchen where I turn on the coffee pot (it auto turns on at 6:00 AM, but I'm up earlier than that, and enjoy a good cup of coffee after my work out to ease into my morning routine) and fill up my water, and then head to the space I work out in. It worked seamlessly. I plan on doing it this evening, but adding a few things. I'm going to pre-fill my water and set the coffee pot to automatically start at 5:00 AM instead of 6:00 AM. Summer is here, and as it gets warmer, I would like to transition my body weight workouts to the backyard. Fresh air always wakes me up!
The strength workout that I've started doing is the NF Body Brigade Level 1. To further measure my progress, instead of doing x body squats, I'm going to see how many body squats I can do in a 30 second period, and so on. This will help me to measure how well I'm doing as the number I can do in a shorter period of time will improve. Once I've managed to hit my max with all the moves the 30 second window, then I'll know it's time to move onto Level 2. Our bodies are antifragile, and so we need to be creating chaos where we can :).
Lastly, the wife and I both agree that it would be best to disconnect our television service. We're going to have to pay out the contract term, but in the long run, it will be worth it. Besides, I didn't hesitate to drop that kind of money on tobacco, so why should it be a big deal to pay it out for bettering our bat cave? Besides, between Netflix, Shomi, and Crave, do I really need more television? Not really.
Overall, I feel great about this week. I still need to find a book to read on sales to up my game at work, and I commit to finding one tonight on Amazon. I'm rocking "Don't Break The Chain" for smoking, fitness goals, food logging, and waking up early. It really feeds into my need to see order and symmetry (OCD?) in objects. It feels almost as good as stacking things! Don't ask...
Remember, #nerdlove is the best love, and happy nerding!
P.S. I see you looking, don't be afraid to comment! I love feedback!
Tuesday 29 March 2016
I Would Have Succeeded, Too, If It Hadn't Been For That Meddling Cookie(s)!
Yep, you read that right. I would have had a full-on paleo day if it hadn't have been for those two cookies I consumed not 15 minutes ago. After a fantastic yoga workout, no less!
So, here I am to understand WHY I ate those two cookies, 30 minutes before I would be having dinner.
Yeah, for once there isn't a need to analyze the situation. It goes like this...
I finished a 30 minute yoga session in which I was hating on downward dog, but was happy that I held it for longer than normal. While lying in corpse pose, I heard my phone buzz. Ah, yes! There were interviews this afternoon. The first interview I saw was a decline.
That was why I ate the cookie. Because I am always so worried that I'm not doing well in my new role at work (not so new). I know how to hire problem solvers, empaths, and customer focused individuals, but I have this fear that I don't know how to hire a sales person (we're not talking your run-of-the-mill retail sales, "just browsing" sales associate, but those self-led, lead-generating, door-kicking sales people. Why? Because I've never worked sales. I know what it looks like, I even know what it sounds like. Maybe there just aren't that many door kickers out there.
So... Quest Time. I'm going to read a book on sales. I first need to find a book on sales. More specifically, a book on hiring strong sales people (maybe the wife would be up for a trip to Chapter's this evening?). I've read Dan Pink, who has taught me that I can sell, now I need something to teach me how to find that trait in other people.
The two cookies are logged, and behind me. I've got a delicious curry to prepare (read heat up, pre-cooked anyone?).
Oh! I also convinced the wife of a couple of things, which was awesome.
1. To book her advanced road test (which she did for this Saturday, despite her own fears, GO RORY!) so that I can start practicing my driving, and get my probationary licence (level 2 of the GDL).
2. Finish the taxes despite not having the RRSP max contributions (The CRA is NOT going to answer the phone 3 days before taxes are due because the wait times are likely 5 days long).
3. Get our passport photos done this weekend, and go apply for our passports that same day.
This will knock one quest off my EQ, and set me up for the next one. Once she passes the advanced road test, I've made a commitment to book my road test 3 months out. 20 seconds of courage is all it'll take (I even paused as I was typing that out, and asked myself whether that would be enough time... IT WILL HAVE TO BE).
So, here I am to understand WHY I ate those two cookies, 30 minutes before I would be having dinner.
Yeah, for once there isn't a need to analyze the situation. It goes like this...
I finished a 30 minute yoga session in which I was hating on downward dog, but was happy that I held it for longer than normal. While lying in corpse pose, I heard my phone buzz. Ah, yes! There were interviews this afternoon. The first interview I saw was a decline.
That was why I ate the cookie. Because I am always so worried that I'm not doing well in my new role at work (not so new). I know how to hire problem solvers, empaths, and customer focused individuals, but I have this fear that I don't know how to hire a sales person (we're not talking your run-of-the-mill retail sales, "just browsing" sales associate, but those self-led, lead-generating, door-kicking sales people. Why? Because I've never worked sales. I know what it looks like, I even know what it sounds like. Maybe there just aren't that many door kickers out there.
So... Quest Time. I'm going to read a book on sales. I first need to find a book on sales. More specifically, a book on hiring strong sales people (maybe the wife would be up for a trip to Chapter's this evening?). I've read Dan Pink, who has taught me that I can sell, now I need something to teach me how to find that trait in other people.
The two cookies are logged, and behind me. I've got a delicious curry to prepare (read heat up, pre-cooked anyone?).
Oh! I also convinced the wife of a couple of things, which was awesome.
1. To book her advanced road test (which she did for this Saturday, despite her own fears, GO RORY!) so that I can start practicing my driving, and get my probationary licence (level 2 of the GDL).
2. Finish the taxes despite not having the RRSP max contributions (The CRA is NOT going to answer the phone 3 days before taxes are due because the wait times are likely 5 days long).
3. Get our passport photos done this weekend, and go apply for our passports that same day.
This will knock one quest off my EQ, and set me up for the next one. Once she passes the advanced road test, I've made a commitment to book my road test 3 months out. 20 seconds of courage is all it'll take (I even paused as I was typing that out, and asked myself whether that would be enough time... IT WILL HAVE TO BE).
Monday 28 March 2016
Adventure Time
I didn't sleep as well as I should have last night, and I know it was a result of what I ate.
What's really cool about the journey that I've been going down is that I'm starting to understand what my body is telling me, and starting to get a really good picture of what works for me and what doesn't, food-wise.
Ultimately slept in, but still made the most of the day. Besides getting the computer fixed (and making a commitment to NOT install any games), the wife and I headed out to another park in our region. We walked for about 40 minutes through Bowmont Park.
Bowmont Park was affected by the floods in 2012, but seems to have really bounced back. We walked down to the river, skipped some rocks together, pet alllll the dogs, and even got to see a train, and solve a mystery around how it didn't derail off the clearly broken track hanging off the embankment (it turns out that the track is no longer broken, that the old track was just thrown to the side, and gave the appearance that it was a part of the current track).
We stopped at the grocery store on the way home from the park, and knowing I was a little hungry, I should have just waited in the car. Minimal damage, though! I walked away with a bag of unsalted cashews from the bulk section (totally within my rations), and we picked up a homemade pie for Easter Dinner (err, dessert). I'm paleo-ish, and the pie won't do any damage. In the past I would have bought all the Easter candy on sale, some baked goods from the bakery section (likely donuts), and something to wash it all down with. VICTORY!
The long weekend went by quickly, but as Einstein said, time is relative, so it must have been a damn fine weekend. I felt like we got a lot accomplished, although the wife is lamenting that she is sad that the weekend is almost over.
Our commute is an epic one. The wife drives me 30 minutes to work, and then another 30-45 minutes to her work, then at the end of the day, she repeats the route. We've decided that this week I'm going to trial taking the bus home. If I leave by 4:00 pm, rather than waiting for her to get there at 5:30 pm, I should be home by 5:00 pm. She's off at 4:30 pm, so she should be home by 5:00 pm as well. It will buy us an extra 1-1.5 hours of home time in the evening.
... I'll post on how that goes.
Sunday 27 March 2016
It's Dangerous To Go Alone! Take this...
Day 1 - Respawn
This past week I wasn't as successful as I had planned to be, and after looking back, I realized that my planning could have been stronger, and more thorough.
I re-tackled the drawing board, and come up with a more defined and details daily plan, and attached it to my goals. The only thing I'm missing is planning my meals for the week, which the wife and I can do tomorrow.
My new plans comes with a daily Captain's Log, aka you. I'll be visiting every night to log the feelings of the day, even if it's a single sentence. This will help me to further tackle the emotional element of my eating.
So... Let's do this!
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